TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another spot in which American Adult males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply Every person a collection on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really end employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You realize, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting interest from Global traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the Trump Tower Damascus https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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